Cowboy Humor

From Romance to Cheerios

Left: Sunset by Wayne Scherer Cowboy Humor by Ben Marshall My brother, J.W., has some really odd ideas. Maybe not as odd as the Creationist theory or the Flat Earth Society, but odd enough. We were talkin' about romance the other day and things kinda got out of hand. The odd thing was, the topic started out with Cheerios. "Why do you have all those small boxes of Cheerios in the cupboard?" I asked him. J. W. never likes to give you a straight answer the first time. "Because I like Cheerios," he replied. "Good enough," I continued, "but you must have ten small boxes in there. Why don't you just buy bigger sizes?" "It's a romance thing." he answered.

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I've promised myself I won't be suckered into anymore of his odd theories so I went back to eatin' my breakfast.

After a few minutes, J.W. couldn't stand it any longer. "Don't you want to know why?" he asked. He was on my hook.

"Why what?" I replied.

"Why Cheerios have something to do with romance," he said.

I knew I had him so I let out the line. Resistin' the easy pun, I said, "Why is that, J.W.?"

"Well, you know my theory about how swaggerin' makes you seem stronger and more masculine to the ladies, don't you?"

"You promised you wouldn't bring that nonsense up again, J.W."

"I know, Ben, but I've been ponderin' it again lately and you know it's important to you because you have so many girlfriends."

Now he'd hit a nerve and I don't think it was intentional. He knows how much it hurt me when my steady girlfriend left.

"I've had a little trouble gettin' my bearin's since San Diego, J.W. I'll admit I have a few girlfriends but I just like bein' with someone smarter than I am. It doesn't hurt, you know, to have a person in the car who is actually willin' to ask directions."

"Sorry, Ben," he said, "I was only sayin' this information will help you out when you're on a date."

Ignorin' the sneaky suspicion I was bein' had, I soldiered on. "I never uninvite information on matters concernin' datin'," I said.

"Ok, here goes." he said as I could feel the quicksand climbin' up my boots. "When men walk with a swagger, women think it's sexy and Cheerios has the best bags in any boxes we buy because it doesn't take a bayonet to open them."

Well, that was a juxtapositionI I never expected to hear and it motivated me to pull out one of his boxes of Cheerios. I opened it and, indeed, only a modest amount of energy was required to do the chore. "But how do Cheerios relate to romance, J.W.?" I asked.

"I'll tell you how, Ben. The next time we have a party and anybody asks me to open a box of Cheerios, I'll get a couple of other cowboys to open some potato chip bags. When the girls see how easily I open the Cheerios and how hard it is for everyone else, they will think I'm stronger than the other cowboys and find me romantic."

I started revisin' my odd scale and puttin' this one up at the top with the Flat Earth Society so I had no choice but to try to disabuse my little brother of this particular belief. Some ideas don't deserve the light of day.

"There's a small problem with your theory, J.W.," I said.

"You think it's too complicated a plan?" he asked.

"Well, that, too," I agreed, "but also how many people would ever ask you to open a box of Cheerios at a party?"

"I see what you mean," he said and walked out of the kitchen. Down the hallway I could hear him talkin' to himself, "Maybe I'll use Carr's crackers," he mumbled.

All was well and good for the moment but I couldn't stop reflectin' on what J.W. said so the next time I was out with my Sebastopol girlfriend I decided to swagger a little when we walked into the Hole in the Wall for breakfast.

At first she tried to stifle a laugh but couldn't hold back. When we were seated, she asked, "Why were you walking like the father in The Incredibles?"

Of course I denied any knowledge of what she was talkin' about but I have to be truthful here.

I was thinkin', "Wow, she said I move like a super hero."